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amjadshad

Amjad
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Dear Muse,

3 min read
Dear Muse,
I am not exactly sure who to address this to. I’m looking for the source of my doodling inspiration. Historically, there were nine Greek goddesses assigned to this task, but the Greece and their early retirement age, those Muses are probably busy with other things. I consider myself fairly spiritual, so I suppose I could use the general cop-out of “the universe” I am going to stick with “Muse” for simplicity’s sake. 

As an Artist, I often get the question, “Where do you get your ideas?” I also hear it often on Interviews of many Artist's on Youtube. I love watching other's Interview, more famous Artist, on their teeth as they struggle to answer. I am often tempted to say, “From that Blue eyed Girl, along with my energy to admire her” Or, “From Leonardo Da Vinci, who inspired me to doodle everything I see or I want to see, to write everything what I feel” The real answer is both simple and complex: The creativity comes from some where far away from sky. I’m not sure where that part of me comes in that. Sometimes the words are there. Sometimes they are not. Creativity or muse or imagination – you’re a gift, no doubt. However, not all gifts are blessings, Look at David Foster, Kurt Cobain, Bob Marley, Michael Jackson, Lucy Gordon or any of the other countless artists who have been overburdened by their “Gift”. There’s a darkness of every creativity, and it’s terrifying to look into. The anxiety of the creative is a terrible thing. Knock on the door in the middle of night , a Girl waiting in the rain at scheduled spot with her broken umbrella, and clouds are rolling in that, a Guy dialing a phone number thousand time even when it clearly say's that is switched Off, all of these might be great short story subjects, but it’s no fun to shuffle through the multitude of the grim possibilities that present themselves. There are many days I wish for a little less gift. 

Dear Muse, You know, The darkness is going to fade away. The doodling inspiration wasn't there.But then, the moment, An Artist waits for, No preparation (that’s just like you, Muse) and it hits. I was sitting on my bed, scrambling my Rubik's cube and my Fishes turns to me and gave few Flying Fishy Kisses, with a face I have never seen before. No, I am going to draw it what I saw and what I felt in that moment I am going to put everything on paper. I was inspired. Also so deeply moved I thought my heart would burst. Just as quickly, and the moment was over. I scribbled some more odd lines on paper , mesmerizing . Dammit !! I could have done it before. Later, as I set down to draw about it in more, I relived the feeling as I put it into lines which came out as your face. It’s always a good sign when I’m crying and smiling at the same time when drawing. You always come through Muse, just when I need it.
So thank you, Muse, for that moment. I will continue to ride the highs and lows of the doodling Life, without succumbing to the darkness and while savoring the moments like I had with you. As always, I’ll draw about them both.

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Unposted Letter,

12 min read

It's 4:00 PM not in mood to work sitting in my cubical listening to Shayne ward song "Easy to love you" and I started to listen to the lyrics. "Uncomplicated, You enjoy the simple things  And I said to myself: "it's an amazing to have someone special in your life; it's a sign of Elegance!" I started remembering wonderful moments that I had with an incredible girl years before, and that lead me to remember another Girl, and another, and another… for a while I was just remembering all the good things of past. Then I tracked those incidents to their beginning, and I remembered the things that I did in order to be with the girl I liked. I realized that in order to be with her, I had to go through a very complicated process. We all go through that same complicated process.

Many times the first big mistake that we make when we go after a girl is to go after the wrong girl. When I came Bangalore for the Job, Once I had gone for an Interview. I Met a Girl there She call herself Alka . She was sitting next to me. "Are you from Bangalore ?" she asked me , "No I am not" , then few more conversation and we exchanged our cell number to be in touch with each other in future. Few messages and few call, we started talking with each other comfortably, then comfort made her more open to me, We talked and laughed every time we met: she was open with me about her past, about how she felt about moving in from Orisa to Bangalore, and about how hard it was for her to break off with her old boyfriend before coming to the Bangalore. And that was my first mistake. I should have read the signs that told me that she still liked that guy. She always talked about him, and about how great and handsome he was. Every time she talked about him, she smiled and her eyes opened wide. Yes, deep down inside I knew that she still liked this guy. But I decided to close my eyes to those hints. "She is just a friend to me" I said to myself. But some where something was wrong inside me.

At the beginning everything was going smoothly. We joined same company and started worked together, before that we got to know her even better. I remember that we make each other's photo as wallpaper in cell phone, hints that we liked each other. From my perspective, it was all going in the right direction; she was getting closer to me. After few months one day I met with her at "our regular secrete place". I was going home on long leave. She was little depressed. So to cheer her up I decided to dance with her. We danced and sat back on the stairs; she was next to me. We talked about how great it was to be together; then she told me that she really loved being with me. There was a moment of silence. We came closer and closer and she took my hands in her hands and then to her face,.... then I went to my home town

I thought that it was great, that the battle was won, and that everything was ok. But truth was that nothing was normal. After coming back, after an awkward moment and conversation, she told me that she was still in love with that guy, that day, and everything before that was all a mistake. She wanted "us" to be just only friends. But the pain did not end there: Her ex in Orisa was no ex at all but she and he were in a shaky long distance relationship all this while! I spent all that day alone, feeling awkward, and having an attitude towards a man I did not even know. And all because I went for the wrong girl who had a boyfriend, After some time she joined another company got married and then moved to Singapore but was somehow on the rebound.

Yet liking the right girl does happen, and it is a great joy when it does. But it is not as great when we don't act soon enough upon our feelings. When I was working in that company, I knew for quite long time; Her Name was Farha Shah, She use to wear Burqa, she was a year younger than me. She was very beautiful and very fun to be around. I loved her long black hair; I remember her always playing with it. Well, I felt she was trying to be next to me and to talk to me. She always looked at me secretly when I talk with her friends. Her friends even gave me obvious hints that she liked me (one confirmed my doubts by telling me that she did like me). I liked her back! But fearing that I would make a mistake or that I would get hurt or that I would go too fast, I decided to go very slow.

It turned out to be too slow. We use to be around each other near every day, and we talk over the phone at least 3 times and message each other at least hundred times a Day but I never asked her anything. I was afraid of messing up, of hurting her. And even though I knew that she liked me, I still had that fear of rejection. This went on for like 9-10 months, or more! So as one can imagine, so even I felt, I am making it too slow. Even one of her friends asked me what I was doing. I always replied that "it" would happen one day by itself.

That day did not come. All of a sudden she was shifted to other branch of company and I shifted to some other company, and I started to see her less and less. Our conversations on the phone were also getting shorter. I did not have any idea of what was happening until one day one of her friends told me that she is getting married. I could not believe it. Few days back she talked to me in the most comfortable way. That boy was working in some MNC, a cool guy. May be not better then me. But maybe he popped the question first. I felt so stupid. I wasted such a good relationship with her just because I did not want to get hurt and I took my time. I did not know what I had lost.

Yes, we don't know what we have lost until it's too late. And sometimes Even when everything is perfect we don't know what decision we should make when situation comes. Let me explain. I had a very good friend Her name was Syed Shireen. She was from Ooty but she had a contagious white smile face and clear eyes. I had known her because of our common friend, some time we all get together to  celebrate our weekend. We had always been meeting each other since the beginning of my friendship with her friend. Somehow we started talking; sometimes she would seek my advice. She would call me when she was depressed. I was her confidant: she would tell me what she like, what she hates; she used to also complain to me about the colleagues who try to flirt with her. Our mutual friend went to Chennai but we were still together and good friends.

At the beginning I did not like her in romantic way. I knew that she was very good looking and that many guys were after her but she was my friend.  As if I know from such a long time. We were Good friends, but from one day to the other, little by little, we started thinking about each other more often. I started enjoying being with her more and more. And I also started getting this funny feeling when guys were flirting with her. I didn't realized that she liked me until the days she expressed in her own way,

After that revelation, I started following my heart. I talked to her more often, and I tried being with her more often too. We sat side by side every evening after our offices; she was so sure that I liked her that she never asked me for any commitment. It was great! I thought that I was so close; the next step was being a couple. But I was wrong. I did not catch the hints when I went her house for the first time, so many differences in terms of everything.

I felt horrible and depressed. I found out what my true feelings for her but couldn't do anything, we decided to wait for the right time in future and she went USA for her master degree. For some time we talked over Skype and slowly it became lesser then negligible.

So what happens when we find the right girl who like you, and recognize your  feelings towards her, but the situation?  We don't dare to make strong decision on right time. Days, week and month passed away, I again moved to another company and started my New Job, and I used to walk in the hall ways after lunch. Once I was walking I saw a Girl sitting with her friends. They were eating; she was beautiful. She had brown eyes, As I passed by we made eye contact. There was something that attracted me to her but I did not know what it was. I wanted to start a conversation but I began telling myself all kinds of excuses not to do it. "She is talking to her friends; she will ignore me; what am I going to say…" I did not talk to her that day or the next one, or the one after that even though I saw her every day. The weird thing was that every time I would pass by her spot we made eye contact. After a while, we even started to say hi from far away. But it did not go any further than that. Once she was sitting alone where she usually was. So I took the opportunity to talk to her. Her name is Sara; she is in some other team. But the conversation did not go too far. I couldn't find anything to say. We just talked about our college time and where we were from: nothing deep. I felt so dumb. It went horrible; there were so many awkward silences! And then we went back to our cubical.

That was one of the few times I talked to Sara. Yet the more I see her, the more familiar I felt around her. I started expecting her to be at her spot every day, and I become worried when she is not there. It's like as if I knew her well. I started imagining her to be that amazing person that was sweet and deep. I imagined that she liked the same things that I like, and that it is going to be with her one day. Now when I think again, I almost imagined her semi perfect!

Some where I know nothing ever going to happened. I don't want to go after my heart now, It gives always stupid suggestion, or Maybe it is because I had given her so many good qualities that I did not want to break the illusion. I don't know. It did not bother me. Yet I used to imagined what will happen if I will go for her. Who knows? It might go for good or bad.

And that's the thing. I will never know. I made the too many mistake in past, when I look back and I see that, now I don't want to repeat them again, May be it's my biggest mistake. Some time, I am lost, confused, scared. I feel like I am dumped in my cubical. I spent most of my time curled up on the chair. It may be one of the worst parts of my life. The keyboard slamming. The people yelling on the con-call. The line-up to get ready, the line-up to go back home. Wander around the whole day. We are on knife short life.

It's 6:00 PM now in the office just few minutes back someone came to my cubical asked "can you drop me till Sony World Signal when you are going back home ?" with the speed of light coming back from past appearing in the present, with a bright smile on face leaving every thought behind I replied "Yeah, Sure Sara"

So my advice is that if you like someone and if you make sure that she is the right girl (no Oriya boyfriend in her life), take the risk, and go after her. Talk to her. It might not work out, or it might. But just take the risk. Don't be afraid of going after your heart. And when you mess up, do not worry: if the person likes you enough she will give you another chance (hopefully).

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After graduation Four and half years , two jobs and one small business, I can happily say that nothing has changed. it has been just a shade more than 10 years since I picked up my first SLR Camera, just short of 10 years since I used computer for the first time, and slightly more than 15 years since I picked up a piece of paper n pencil to draw some sketches, portrait and more! The habit of reading novel came n went, I ditched the canvas n brushes to pick up the keyboard n mouse, flirting have come and gone, place of living have changed and I have gone from FAT to THIN to FAT to now slightly chubby but that single obsession of being Intrepid has been the one common factor in the conscious part of my life,
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Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile!!
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